Not Another One: Stopping the Suicide Epidemic Among Our Young Men
Trigger warning: mental illness and suicide
Depression is an ugly bastard.
Kevin and I met in the fall of his sophomore year. We didn’t meet in person; we met online when he joined my Google Classroom. It was the height of COVID. He was a sophomore, a difficult age for nearly all 15-year-olds. I’ve found that fall semester sophomores are still freshmen in their maturity, and Kevin was no different. He’d play video games during class, letting me know that what I had to teach online wasn’t important to him.
Teaching online is difficult, especially when it’s forced, as it was in August of 2020.
I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to get to know my students, not only at the beginning of the year, but throughout it as well. Online teaching depersonalized our classrooms and made forming bonds with our students much more difficult. It also gave our students permission to behave in ways they didn’t before we moved to online classes.
Kevin presented himself as a know-it-all, I’m-more-special-than-anyone-in-this-class, and he unabashedly told me he was “better” than his classmates. He was hard to like initially. He seemed capable of doing the assigned work, but when we were finally able to hold classes in person, I realized he had deficits in comprehension and writing.
Although I tried to help him, he assured me he didn’t need help.
Why tell you this? I think it’s important to tell you about the Kevin I knew, since I never got to know the Kevin he became. I’ll never get to know an adult Kevin.
He killed himself four months ago.
He was 20 years old and a new father. He was also an enlisted soldier.
Kevin had his whole life ahead of him, but the pain of his depression kept him from seeing that fact.
I’m saddened by the fact that he was 20. Saddened because he leaves an infant and his grieving parents, plus friends and family. Saddened because his pain overwhelmed him to the point where death felt like his possible avenue to escape it.
Males make up 80% of suicides in this country. 80% is an astounding number. The group of males with the highest suicide rates is non-Hispanic American Indian and Alaska Native people, followed closely by non-Hispanic white people.
There are many reasons why males commit suicide. Bullying, stress, social isolation, and lack of support systems, to name a few reasons. We need to do better for our young men. We need to teach them to understand their emotions, that it’s okay to cry and express themselves, and that there is no weakness or shame in emotion.
But we don’t. Instead, we tell them to “man up.” Be rugged, emotionless, strong men who don’t feel anything. It’s no wonder so many young men turn to drugs and alcohol to mask their pain.
Another factor for Kevin was his enlistment. It turns out that soldiers, especially male soldiers, have a higher suicide rate. I’ve heard older men refer to soldiers who commit suicide as “sissies,” which upsets me. Or they comment that young men today are “too soft.” What they seem to forget is how many soldiers, especially after returning from combat, turned to drugs and alcohol to cope. Others developed anger issues and took their anger out on their families. And yes, some soldiers committed suicide.
Our men are in a mental health crisis. When drugs, alcohol, and other addictions can no longer mask their pain, they turn to suicide. Suicide looks enticing when your mind and body are in deep pain, but it’s a permanent solution. There is no earthly resurrection from it.
For those who are left behind, they endure a myriad of emotions: guilt, shame, anger, sadness, and more guilt. They wonder how they missed the signs that their loved one was struggling. They feel shame that they didn’t or couldn’t do more to help their child or friend. They grow angry and then immediately feel shame for their anger toward their loved one.
In truth, I still mourn Sean, Tyson, Leah, Blake, and now Kevin, all of whom took their own lives. As a teacher, I too feel guilty for not being able to help them, even though four of the five students had graduated when it happened.
Many men need help but are too ashamed to ask for it. We need to teach them that there is no shame in asking for help. We need to accept them and love them for who they are, rather than some unrealistic idea of what a “real man” should be.
Depression is a truly ugly bastard. Kevin—and Sean, Tyson, Leah, and Blake—should still be here, living their lives.
If you–or someone you know–is experiencing depression and suicidal thoughts, call 988 for help. Someone will be there to talk with you.